Bits of Tid

Since I’m no longer on Twitter (X, whatever) I’ll share all my best thoughts here. It’s your lucky day.

Tonight I’m crying bc I realized that any penguin born the same day as me is probably dead

Don’t won’t doesn’t woesn’t

In school when we’d come back from summer and teachers would have us write about our break, why did they not call it Summer-y Summary

You have two so you have to half two

I really think venus fly traps should be discussed more often

Thinking about how bowl🥣 and bowl🎳 are the same word. Gonna need some time to process this

If I have to remind myself that I’m young and spry,
am I really young and spry?

Remember when one cup of coffee was enough?

When people say you either love it or you hate it,
90% of the time I’m very neutral about it

The AUDACITY of twin beds to believe they’re large enough for even one person

Went for a jog today and I’m still waiting for the part where it feels good

I’ve never been one of those people who forgets to eat lunch

You are what you eat and I’ve swallowed a lot of dental floss

Found myself singing “all I want for Christmas is meeee”

There are some days when I’m extra grateful for opposable thumbs

I wanna know which fast food chain gets the most people coming through the drive-thru while crying

My dad just informed me that when he dies, he wants his body donated to science fiction.

How much does the Netflix cost have to go up before they stop with the judgmental "aRe YOu StiLL wAtChiNg?"

What if the hand that feeds you is feeding you their hand

Sometimes you take your chongo out at the end of the day and realize how tightly it had been pulling and you're like, "oh that's why I was grumpy all day"

Nothing makes you feel out of your league and unqualified quite like getting hiccups during an important client meeting

plz stop dabbing

I DON'T WANT ROASTED SEAWEED I WANT TAKIS

I wish I could CTRL+F search the contents of my purse

Ron Swanson's giggle fills my heart with tiny winged steaks

This is more eraser shavings than lead marks

The rooster that crows at 10 AM is my kind of rooster

Yes, Addie is short for advertising.

What if the monsters under our beds only want to tickle our feet?

Pineapple this, pineapple that. Capers are the only pizza topping that matter.

“Work” and “walk” sound the same to my dog. There’s a lot of tension in the household right now

After people get pepper sprayed do they have to pour milk in their eyes?

Maybe life is just one long search for a well-fitted romper

My dog is so smart, she recognizes the words “wanna”, “go”, “walk”, and “outside”–enough words to form a sentence!

We’re still working on “Please don’t lick your butthole on my pillow.”

My pint of ice cream melted so now I’m reading the book of Job

ear lobes are kinda weird right

Sometimes I forget that cheese isn’t actually spelled cheeze

“entera” means “whole” so if you’re ever in a Spanish bakery trying to order a sliver of cake and they tell you it’s entera, don’t just confidently nod your head.

Or do.

Don’t ever ask someone “do you recognize me?” The chances of this going well for either of you are embarrassingly slim

Today I saw a kid consume a banana by licking it and I no longer trust anything

You ever eat cookies till you’re heavy breathing or is that just me?

I know I’m not a model or an Olympic athlete or anything like that but doesn’t someone want to see my “what I eat in a day” video

Idk how it happened but I thought I was ordering a sampling of barbecued meats at dinner yet ended up with a plate of asparagus

Kent accidentally said “walk” in front of our dog and now we’re 2.3 miles from home

My dog and I have a few things in common. The need to wake up at 3AM to chew on my own foot is not one of them.

Me: what kind of cookies should we get?

Kent: oatmeal raisin

Repeating our vows to myself: I promise to love you through the hard times

It makes me super happy that "spelunking" is a real world

You know it's good when you have to tie your hair up to eat it.

There's no motivator like a group of buzzards circling overheard while you struggle through your morning run

Can’t tell if it’s Halloween or just another Monday in Austin

I had a dream that I performed Selena's Bidi Bidi Bom Bom for karaoke night, so I'm really hoping today lives up to that standard

Sometimes all you need is a cupcake and a nap

There's a reason it's called a B.S. in Advertising

Ladybugs are obnoxious